I have a lifelong illness, I’m far from perfect, vulnerable to stress, a desire to be alone, away from people and places. I have an inner voice that sabotages me anytime things are going well. This voice brings me down, negativity resides, going crazy in my mind becoming a common ruminating sound with stigma issues all intertwined.
I have a desire to give more than I take: I want to feel positive rather than a mistake; I want to be a good friend rather than detaching slowly. I want to feel secure, to bring a calm instead of anxiety to those around me. I would love to enjoy the quiet, the sounds, the smells, the utmost serenity, and at the same time having a routine, a place to go, a normal life, more than you know.
For now, I will write, living in a glass house. It is hard to put myself out there, but I will stay in the race, going at my own pace. Most of all I need to quiet the critic within.
I am sorry to those I have disappointed. I am doing my very best; I have a vision of being my dad, of being a better man, but for now, I will do what I can.